14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
#Caturday
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?