It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Wednesday
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Does this dress make me look cat?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.