[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
No Google it does not
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.