Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Finally
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army