happy mother’s day❤️
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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
This kid is going places
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My first child will be named New Folder.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.