Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
is this meant to deter me
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs