Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Planet of the Apps.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My dad is at it again
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here