First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Just a bush.
Planet of the Apps.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need