normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”