[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Holy shit he’s back
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos