Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“i miss shittin on people”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Nice try, NASA
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”