If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
$3 #books
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
the dark web is just a goth google.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now