The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You Might Also Like
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.