DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The Backseat Boys
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Happy Star Wars day!
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life