my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Y’all ready for this
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.