[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes