Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.