I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
At least he brought enough for everyone
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.