The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong