professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.