Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
This kinda thing happens to me often
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.