him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Home is where your toilet is.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
went fishing caught a bass
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
scrabbled eggs
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.