TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Spring of Deception
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.