I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*