I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You got this…
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
It has been 3 years since Monday.