When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
no refunds
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
he looks great for his age
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Phonetics
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.