Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
spicy snake
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.