Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
This a good idea
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Storm Tropical Storm
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.