Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*