*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!