[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
You Might Also Like
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”