Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live