This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.