date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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A Short Story.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.