The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I will never stop laughing at this
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Waiting for the Charmin
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.