Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.