GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.