[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Wait for it
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry