took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall