Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Grandmother clock.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium