[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.