“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.