i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
They did not think through this water fountain
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
The Weeknd is back
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.