every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.