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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I just love that new Pope smell.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…