Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack