If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ