Camping tip: No.
You Might Also Like
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts