Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Incredible customer service.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Think I pulled my liver
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.