About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The pasta is now
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.